New Year's Eve...

I need a better year.

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Our First Snow...in Portland!

Last night we had our first snow here! Thank God...I was getting upset we weren't getting any. Looks like Portland doesn't get much snow, if any. I say...if it's going to be cold, there better be snow!

Twilight...

Did I mention I'm a total Twihard Fan!? I avoided the hoopla at first, but during my pregnancy I needed to read again and Twilight was my choice. I must have read the saga in 2-3 weeks. It was the most pleasure I'd gotten from reading in a long time. I was lost in it, a part of it, it was inside me! I obsessed to the point that I thought of the little girl growing in my belly as Bella's! I called my belly my little vampire! I adored every second of the books but was let down with the first movie. Bad bad bad acting. I love Kristen, but she got annoying. The second, thank God, was much better. And who could over look Taylor!? Ooooh that boy does things to me!!! My favorite piece of info is Robert actually worked out at the gym I worked at in NYC. I almost shit my pants when he walked in! All I could think was "Edward! Where's Bella!" lol

All this coming from a Harry Potter, LOTR ÜberFan!


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King Size...

I soooo need a king sized pillow...hehehehe


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Loud Toys - solved!

I purchased a few toys on Craigslist again for Brianlily this Christmas, and noticed a few of them had a piece of packaging tape across the speaker. I thought "huh, clever way of making sure gook doesn't get in there" I could keep food and whatever other crap my daughter might get in there out. Then I got it! It wasn't to keep it clean, it was to keep it QUITE!!! hahahahahaha. Wonderful! Most toys don't have a volume control and even if they do it just isn't enough. Her new Elmo (which I LOVE) was much too loud, so I gave it a try...and it worked perfectly!!!

By the way...this Elmo (Fisher Price Elmo's Greatest Hits @ Walmart) http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=11331755 is adorable! He's small enough for her to carry around the house and this short tunes are fun! And I can't forget how much fun we have with his little microphone!!!

I Hate You Bulb Syringe!

I understand what the bulb syringe/aspirator does, and I know it should do the task well, but I hate the damn thing! My daughter freaks out, as I would, when I use it. Then it makes her nose worse by irritating and creating swelling in her sensitive tiny nostrils!!! Damn that thing! Not to mention the fact that the bulb is too damn stiff and doesn't contract easily. Is there a better way to take care of my little one when she's clogged up with mucus and has a runny-stuffy nose????

First Sicky Poo...

As hard as I tried I couldn't keep my little one from catching my cold. I guess being her sole cargiver I have to expect this. It's her first sicky poo and I'm a mess. Stuffy runny nose, watery eyes, head congestion, headache, and exhausted but can't sleep! I just got over the same thing and I thought I was dying...imagine my little honey going through it! UGH! I HATE seeing her like this and know I can't do anything to make it all better. Such is a mothers love.

I have to accept that we're going to make each other sick for a long time...no pun intended.

The Secret...

I'm begining to think I need to read The Secret!


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The day after...

Christmas is over and now we're thinking about Brianlily's first birthday! It's right around the corner. I just wish there was a better way to remember these times...I mean even thinking back to her months ago is hard. I never want to forget anything!

It was a nice Christmas...can't wait till she's aware of it though. Here's a photo of her with her gift from cousin Brandon


, and some raspberry cookies I made!


They came out yummy! I was on such a roll, I made sofrito, pernil, pecan pie, whip cream, caramel, chocolate chip cookies,
and raspberry sandwich cookies! Crazy! But everything went before I had a chance to get photos! :o(
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3RRTHX5KCMPR

3RRTHX5KCMPR

sick & tired!

I can't believe it's Christmas and I have a cold! ugh I feel like shit!


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It might be time to accept...

that I am coming down with a cold. Ever since I had my tonsils removed about 5 years ago, I just don't get sick. I mean maybe once a year is it. I love it! I HATE being sick. It's a loss of control and feeling horrible makes it worse. Now with a child i can't imagine what it will be like! She'll get sick and it'll be impossible to care for us both in that state...ugh...I HATE being sick!



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Deoderant...

My daughter thinks it's soooo funny when mommy puts on underarm deoderant!


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Our First Christmas...

This Christmas will be our first as a family. I've always loved Christmas and the holiday season, but this one is super special. It's our first as a family and my baby girls first. So I want to make memories, start traditions, and have a special dinner. But not sure what to cook...of course I have a loooong list of desserts, but no dinner!


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God...I wanna be Martha!

I can't tell you how much I adore Martha Stewart! I have yet to find someone I can relate to on my strongest personality traits:

Bitchy
Crafty as all Hell
Ubër Perfectionist

What that woman can do with a Ball jar! lol

Seriously though, I think she's the bees knees. I love that everything she does is homemade, from scratch, inventive, and hella crafty! I'd love to say "I canned these berries from my berry patch" lol FO REALZ!


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Santa!

Here is my pride and joy in her first Santa photo! This will be her first Christmas!


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Honey's new shoes!

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Our pretty little 4 foot tree!

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Busy season....

With no money, I've managed a few treats for us. We thought we couldn't have a tree because Brianlily would rip it down, and decided we could do without the added financial cost....BUT I needed one! For me AND my baby! It's her first Christmas and I wanted her to have a tree. I went through hell and high water and found the perfect fit for us. After searching high and low (my dumb ass didn't buy it at Rite Aid when it was in stock) and found something at Home Depot! I always love real trees, but this would be better because of the baby. It was the display! The last one! And I got 10% off! Yippeeeeee!!! Again I wasted my chance at purchasing our lights and decorations at Dollar Tree (perrrrfect place for that stuff) and ended up getting pricey stuff at Target. All in all the trees total cost was about $30! I don't care...baby has a tree!

Now for her gifts. I have been searching Craigslist with no luck. I did however pick up a few things from Target and books from Dollar Tree. I like to buy a few classics (they're too expensive at almost $10 each) and buy a bunch from the Tree!

We're visiting Santa tomorrow! I can't wait! Her dress is from Oldnavy and her shoes from Payless! LOVE it!

I'll post photos soon...I'm zonked!!!


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Thank Jesus!

FOR WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VACCINATIONS...

Well...we did it. My daughter is now vaccinated for seasonal and H1N1.

I debated about it for months. I was worried about the hoopla and the conspiracy behind the H1N1. The connection people are making between Autism and vaccinations. I worried about all of her vaccinations. But I never felt like a had a good grasp or could believe what I read, no matter the side. Since her birth she has had her vaccinations, but I wasn't sure about the flu. I found myself keeping her away from kids completely and paranoid about her getting sick without protection (the shot). In the end I started feeling irresponsible about it. I know there are tons of parents out there that do not believe in any sort of vaccinations, but those families are living much differently than we do. It's not to say that we wouldn't want to live healthier, but we don't eat organic, take vitamins, exercise, or take any extra steps to keep ourselves healthy. So why was I putting my daughter at risk? And if we've given her every recommend vaccination since birth what's the difference now? I decided that she's a little older now and I feel a little better about the flu vaccinations...enough to go ahead with it.

We were at the doctors to check Brianlily's weight. The last time we were there we noticed she had lost some weight. I hadn't thought of it, but we were stupidly diluting her formula because of the cost. We're on one income and even with WIC, it's just so expensive. We did it for about 3 weeks. I took her in for a rash she had, and that's when we noticed her weight was lower. I was too embarrassed to even mention what we were doing, but knew we had to stop right away and we did. Her weight is back up and turns out her recent cranky loss of appetite, which I thought was because she's teething, is due to a looming ear infection! UGH! My poor baby! It's so hard knowing these are all firsts.

Which leads me into antibiotics! I was given a prescription for amoxicillin for her ear. I decided to wait it out and see if it actually turns into something (the dr notice a little redness and fluid). I just think of my childhood filled with loads of bubble gum flavored medicine. As a child and even into adulthood I was constantly sick and on some form of antibiotics. I had problems with my salivary glands swelling and throat infections all the time. At about 24 years old I had my tonsils removed. Since then I rarely get sick-once a year is too many times. The gland problem continued and I was found to have a stone in a salivary gland. They told me it is most caused by excessive consumption of antibiotics! It wasn't until last year that the stone popped out on it's own. Something that I had been suffering from since childhood was over. Now I don't have either problem...now the new problem is that the location of the stone is wide open and I squirt saliva like a snake!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA

In the end, I just worry that my daughter will suffer a similar fate because of he way we consume medications. I don't want to pump her up with things that, in large quantities, has health risks. That goes for mercury causing autism, antibiotics weakening immune systems and causing more illness, or any one of the thousands of risks. I just worry...that's all.

NYC FOOD....

God I miss the food!

Katzs
Rosarios
Vineros
Valencia
Sugar Sweet Sunshine
Cibao
Kushie
Jr's Cheesecake
Vietnamese
Chinese

I'm hungry!


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mmmmm...

My bed. My love. How I've missed you so!  

Exhausted.

But on the bright side...my daughter is shhheeeeeeer perfection!

Ended the night with a lemon, mushroom, onion, creamy sauce, over catfish filet (yes we still had some) And to my surprise it was DELISH!!! 

Now off to bed...

OMG I'm fucking exhausted...

It's only 11:33pm and I'm dying. Mothers NEVER have time for themselves. At night, when my little bunny is asleep, I try to get mommy's things done (surf the net, BLOG, read...) but I'm too fucking tired! I know things are bad when I can't even read "I Love You, Goodnight" without slurring. Sleep deprivation does horrible things to a persons mind and body!

Rosacea outbreak...

Ok so I started the erythromycin gel; it's really drying my skin! I started a new pack of birth control and realized I was off by a day so I took two. That night and into today my face exploded. I think my birth control is making my rosacea worse. I'm going to stop both for a week and see what happens. The doctor asked me if I noticed my rosacea getting worse after starting birth control, and I wasn't sure...but thinking about it and what happened last night is a big clue!

NOW WHAT!?

New Toy!

It's always so hard finding something for Brianlily. She's almost 11 months and starting to walk, so sitting down and playing isn't number one on her list. I found a few things on Craigslist for her a couple of months back. They turned out great! $35 for 4 toys that equal over $100! A little bleach and soap and they were good as new! I wish I would have thought of it before I spent $45
on a shopping cart push toy for her from Babiesrus. I love them all, but what else could I get her now that she has a walker, activity table, and a few table top toys? BLOCKS! I love building blocks, but just didn't find what I wanted. While I was at Target yesterday I took a walk through the toy section and found them! Perfect building blocks for her! They're rubbery and squishy. They squeak, have adorable raised animal designs, are the coolest colors, have numbers 1-10 on one side and shapes to count. I love love love them...it'll just take her the usual 2 weeks before she warms up to them.

They're "Parents Counting Pal Soft Blocks" and they also have a bigger set with arches that looks like TONS of fun (Parents ABC Architect Blocks)!

Bragging Rights...

My mother gets hers with her "I could feed the both of you while driving" stories.

I get mine because I can hold my daughters bottle with one hand, and change her diaper with the other hand. I always feel triumphant when the bottle comes out of her mouth and she's right back to sleep-changed and fed!


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My Angel Sleeps...

Brianlily is doing some serious teething lately and is absolutely miserable. This is a rare moment.

My Favorite Finger...

I've loved these thumbs since the day she was born! I love how cute, short, and fat they are! Yummy Thumbs!

Nursery Rhymes...

What the hell is up with old nursery rhymes? Have you ever listened to the lyrics!? I did a little research and didn't come up with much. Other than to say they're old folk songs. Didn't see them considered nursery rhymes, so not sure where Walt Disney thinks they are, or why we know them. I guess as a kid you have no idea what the lyrics mean.

But DAYUM! It's crazy!

Listen to this album...Walt Disney Records : Children's Favorite Songs, Vol. 2 : 25 Classic Tunes

Court'n
Lovers
Drunk'n Sailors
Farmers taken Wives
Old ladies that swallow things and die

It's insane!

I do however love, love, love Laurie Berkner Band!

ONE...

I can't believe Brianlily will be one soon. She's so amazing. She is taking steps on her own, attempting words, clapping, dancing, knows where her hair, tongue, nose, and toes are, and can find most of her books and toys when asked for. And 6 teeth before 11 months! I watch her with amazement...did all of this REALLY only take 10 months? I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday. I love my honey bunny more than life itself! I just really wish it didn't go by so fast.


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Fred Meyer vs Safeway

I usually shop at Safeway because it's close to home, but tonight I had to go to FM for a prescription (don't have insurance and they're cheap and they match Costco prices). I do a little shopping while I wait and was shocked at the difference! Bastards!

I Love Safeway!


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Insomnia...

Still up.
Want to sleep.
Had ground beef tomato sauce with penne, then pineapple. WTF! Total heartburn fest.
Listening to DJ Carol C on www.wtnrradio.com/.
She's the vocalist of one of my favorite bands...SI*SE.
Love her...Love them


Brianlily loved the pineapple! Her first time!


Ok, I'm going to try sleep again.

Hibernate...

Was supposed to do a bunch of things today, but only did laundry. So tired. Didn't fold them either! Plus, it's getting cold! I want to stay in bed. Tomorrow is another day.


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The End of an Era...

Until I have an income (we're not living on one low one) I have ended my contract with AT&T. NO MORE IPHONE! I don't know how I will live without my beloved. At home with our WiFi I'm fine, but not having it while I'm out and about will be a huge test. We are both without cell phones. We use Skype at home to make calls, and will be trying the MagicJack. I think about the $100 a month I was spending on my iPhone bill, and can't believe how expensive it was. I've had the phone since 2006/2007 and really really love it...more so than others I've tried. We thought of using Cricket as our cell provider, but really don't want or need that bill either. So lets see how this works out, and bottom line...

I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE SOME MONEY!

missing my iphone

Stress...

Is not only causing my face to explode with rosecea...

I now have my first white brow hair! LMFAO

LOVE IT!

It's confirmed...

I HAVE ROSACEA! What a wrench in an already fucked up machine! It itches horribly, and my face looks terrible. I was prescribed erythromycin gel. Gotta do some research on it. I hope this works, and I really have to find ways of reducing stress or since that might never happen, at least find effective ways of dealing with it.

I miss...

Sleep


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Freeze Queen...

I wish I had an extra freezer! The butternut squash is done, the yogurt and grapes are freezing now, the carrots are cooling and waiting to go in, then it's just pineapple. Having a baby changes so much! lol

BTW...had catfish for the first time last night. I was grossed out everytime I thought about it. I hate those fish. Brian came home with a big bag of frozen catfish filet. So I breaded a few and fried them up. Hit the spot, but had to distract my mind.


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11:17pm...

And finally going to bed! My angel is asleep, curled up next to me. I'm excited to say, I actually picked up a book! Feels good and I hope I get through it. The last thing I read was the Twilight Saga during my pregnancy...needless to say, I'm a TwiHard Fan!!!

GoodNight...ThankGod


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Strawberry Face...

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The Train...

So what if I call the MAX The Train!? I'm from NYC...we have trains. It's a hard habit to break.





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woo hoo!!!

My blogpress is working! Couldn't upload photos, but figured it out! Whoosh!


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Yo Gabba Gabba...

DJ Lance cracks me up with his corny, no rhythm dancing ass! The music on the show is so good though! Weeeee love it!

Yummy...

I can't believe my little honey bunny is such a big girl. I hold her and she's so big, it's hard to imagine she was once inside my belly kicking and swimming around.

Life is Good...because she's in it!





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Have to be honest with myself...

We moved from NYC (where I was born and raised...for the most part) to Portland, OR four months ago. And although I'm happy as hell to be out of NYC, I'm starting to realize that I'm so self conscious and seems like my self-esteem is slumping. Could it be that I just turned 30 and really thought my life would be different at this point? Or maybe I feel out of place? I feel like I'm in high school all over again. We moved to Upstate NY when I was about 14, and what a culture shock it was. The black-haired, dark-lipstick, NYC-Latina, in a small country town. BOY WAS THAT HARD. I think the only difference now is that I'm actually embarrassed by my fucking accent! I can't believe it.

Life seriously has me stressing these days...only thing that gives me light is my baby girl. Gotta make this life right for her.

Freaking out a little...

I thought I'd be able to work from home to be with my daughter, but we are just barely getting by. So I visit daycare (something I never wanted for her) and the cost is killing me! And that's a local low cost YMCA center! I'll work and hand my paycheck over to them! What's the point!?

This is a hard ass life if you aren't rich!


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Mean Ass Folk...

The geriatric community of Portland are all mean and crotchity! What the hell is wrong with them!?

Changes...

Need to make serious changes here. I'm not happy and it's really time I take life by the balls.

Finish school
Go back to work
Be more creative
Be more active

ah hell...I even made a "43 Things" list!

Maybe once I'm in order, everything around me will fall into place.

~

On a lighter note...my daughter knows what a cow is! My princess is blowing my mind every minute! *Swoon*

My Family...

Feel like sharing...

My birth nightmare: Birth Rape...

From the start I had morning sickness...actually, all-day-all-night-whole-nine-months-sickness! At five months we found out we were having a girl! I couldn’t be happier. My sister was having a boy! I had a midwife (I had no idea the difference between a midwife and OBGYN, but because I was on Medicaid and going to my local clinic I guess that’s what they offered) I did some research and was actually happy I had a midwife. I wanted to do things more naturally and a midwife was the best choice. We had the BEST midwife ever, Jackie. She became very ill and we were giving a new midwife, Rebecca. She was nice, but not warm and too young. Jackie was my mother hen, and Rebecca was all work. All of my exams were going well so far, and my due date was set for January 25th 2009. On January 14th I was getting ready for my midwife appointment when Rebecca called me and said, "your protein count is enormously high, don’t come here, go straight to the hospital...you need to be induced" I had become preeclamptic. OMFG! I was in shock. Thank god Brian hadn't left to work yet. My "no drugs, all natural" birth plan, that sat in my hospital bag, was now out the window!
I was induced, and after a few hours of laboring I was propositioned to have my water broken. Brian and I knew it was a bad idea; we even went as far as having everyone leave the room to discuss it. I didn't want to be rushed any more than we already were, and I knew the risks...but in the end, out of fear and convincing ourselves that "they knew what was best...this is what they do for a living" we agreed. I know now that we should have listened to our intuitions. My water was broken. I did eventually get the epidural that was not in my birth plan, but took into account that I was induced and had my water broken, it would be a good idea because the pain would be worse. After more hours of laboring I reached 7cm. This is where it stops and hell took over. I honestly don't remember what came first...the nurses and midwives telling me they were going to have to put water "back in" or my daughters heart almost stopping with every contraction, but both were too incredible to believe. A tube was placed into my uterus pumping water back in. BACK IN! The thing is, we knew there was a good chance this could happen; I still can't believe they still practice this way. As my contractions grew and were more intense my daughter’s heart slowed with each one. Something was very wrong. I started to realize that I was beginning to feel my contractions again. There was now something wrong with my epidural. Did it wear off or just get dislodged? I told a nurse and she told me the anesthesiologist would be in shortly. He never made it to me, but a group of doctors did. They rushed into my room and told me I was going to have to have an emergency c-section. WHAT THE HELL WAS HAPPENING!? I couldn't understand what and why all of this was happening. Brian and I were terrified. As they began to unhook me and move me to the OR, I lost it. The fear for my baby and the horror movie that was playing out in front of me was too much. I screamed and cried as they wheeled me out of the room. Someone asked me if I was in pain...I said no...My reaction wasn't because of physical pain; it was my heart breaking and complete fear. Little did I know that question might have stopped what was about to happen. As they wheeled me through halls screaming and yelling "NO NO NO" they stopped and I was in the middle of the OR. Everyone frantically moving around me and me just barely conscious from exhaustion and medication, they poured ice-cold iodine all over my belly. I say ice cold because I could FEEL it, and I yelled it out. I felt the ice-cold iodine, but no one realized it. They strapped me down and the doctor made the first incision...AGONY! I could feel it! My epidural had worn off almost an hour before but was never fixed. I screamed and the room became a blur. Someone came over and tried to get anesthesia in me, but I was out of control. The doctor tested the effectiveness by cutting me again! At which point I howled again. It might sound silly, but I knew I was going to die. I thought, "How could this be happening? Is my baby going to be ok?" I was helpless and alone. They never let Brian in. And eventually the man that I had been waiting for over an hour came in and looked me in the eyes...then I drifted away.

I found out afterwards, that they had Brian dress up in the protective gown, and he was almost on his way in when the maylay began. Not sure what they told him, I hate talking about it, but he undressed and waited not knowing what was going on inside the OR. He says he saw me when I was in the room and gave me an encouraging thumbs up, but I didn't see him at all. They took it all away from me. My perfect birth. Brian being a part of it. I wasn’t even awake. I didn't hear my daughter’s first cries. I didn't get to hold her in her messy goo. Brian didn’t get to cut the cord. It's something that I'm not sure I will ever get over. It hurts too much. I don't remember much. Brian and my mother were with me when I woke up. He tells me that I woke up still saying "NO NO NO" Just hearing that makes my hair stand on end. I see pictures of me holding my daughter in recovery, and it's not real to me. I don't remember it. Emotionally I'm broken from the experience. I don't even look at my scar or talk about her birth. It's all just too painful.

Read about my pregnancy here

***

My daughters name...

Brian - after her father, meaning high/noble
Lily - Harry Potter's mothers name and also one of my favorite flowers, meaning pure/innocence/beauty

Brianlily was born weighing 7lbs, 6oz, and is the most perfect gift from heaven. She's the light of my life and the reason for living life itself.

SEPARATION ANXIETY...

I think I have the opposite of postpartum...I'm the one with serious separation anxiety!

These Feet...

They belong to my perfect, spectacular, delicious, ball of light...Brianlily.

I can't imagine these feet growing old and callused like mine. Where does the time go? Why does it have to go so fast?! It makes me so sad.

*sigh*

Rosacea...

I think I have Rosacea! This shit itches like hell! Whatever it is it started during my pregnancy and has just continued to get worse. I swear it's stress induced. Can't wait for my Dr's appt!

Welcome...

To NAMOWENO