Monday, November 30, 2009


Need to make serious changes here. I'm not happy and it's really time I take life by the balls.

Finish school
Go back to work
Be more creative
Be more active

ah hell...I even made a "43 Things" list!

Maybe once I'm in order, everything around me will fall into place.


On a lighter daughter knows what a cow is! My princess is blowing my mind every minute! *Swoon*

My Family...

Feel like sharing...

My birth nightmare: Birth Rape...

From the start I had morning sickness...actually, all-day-all-night-whole-nine-months-sickness! At five months we found out we were having a girl! I couldn’t be happier. My sister was having a boy! I had a midwife (I had no idea the difference between a midwife and OBGYN, but because I was on Medicaid and going to my local clinic I guess that’s what they offered) I did some research and was actually happy I had a midwife. I wanted to do things more naturally and a midwife was the best choice. We had the BEST midwife ever, Jackie. She became very ill and we were giving a new midwife, Rebecca. She was nice, but not warm and too young. Jackie was my mother hen, and Rebecca was all work. All of my exams were going well so far, and my due date was set for January 25th 2009. On January 14th I was getting ready for my midwife appointment when Rebecca called me and said, "your protein count is enormously high, don’t come here, go straight to the need to be induced" I had become preeclamptic. OMFG! I was in shock. Thank god Brian hadn't left to work yet. My "no drugs, all natural" birth plan, that sat in my hospital bag, was now out the window!
I was induced, and after a few hours of laboring I was propositioned to have my water broken. Brian and I knew it was a bad idea; we even went as far as having everyone leave the room to discuss it. I didn't want to be rushed any more than we already were, and I knew the risks...but in the end, out of fear and convincing ourselves that "they knew what was best...this is what they do for a living" we agreed. I know now that we should have listened to our intuitions. My water was broken. I did eventually get the epidural that was not in my birth plan, but took into account that I was induced and had my water broken, it would be a good idea because the pain would be worse. After more hours of laboring I reached 7cm. This is where it stops and hell took over. I honestly don't remember what came first...the nurses and midwives telling me they were going to have to put water "back in" or my daughters heart almost stopping with every contraction, but both were too incredible to believe. A tube was placed into my uterus pumping water back in. BACK IN! The thing is, we knew there was a good chance this could happen; I still can't believe they still practice this way. As my contractions grew and were more intense my daughter’s heart slowed with each one. Something was very wrong. I started to realize that I was beginning to feel my contractions again. There was now something wrong with my epidural. Did it wear off or just get dislodged? I told a nurse and she told me the anesthesiologist would be in shortly. He never made it to me, but a group of doctors did. They rushed into my room and told me I was going to have to have an emergency c-section. WHAT THE HELL WAS HAPPENING!? I couldn't understand what and why all of this was happening. Brian and I were terrified. As they began to unhook me and move me to the OR, I lost it. The fear for my baby and the horror movie that was playing out in front of me was too much. I screamed and cried as they wheeled me out of the room. Someone asked me if I was in pain...I said no...My reaction wasn't because of physical pain; it was my heart breaking and complete fear. Little did I know that question might have stopped what was about to happen. As they wheeled me through halls screaming and yelling "NO NO NO" they stopped and I was in the middle of the OR. Everyone frantically moving around me and me just barely conscious from exhaustion and medication, they poured ice-cold iodine all over my belly. I say ice cold because I could FEEL it, and I yelled it out. I felt the ice-cold iodine, but no one realized it. They strapped me down and the doctor made the first incision...AGONY! I could feel it! My epidural had worn off almost an hour before but was never fixed. I screamed and the room became a blur. Someone came over and tried to get anesthesia in me, but I was out of control. The doctor tested the effectiveness by cutting me again! At which point I howled again. It might sound silly, but I knew I was going to die. I thought, "How could this be happening? Is my baby going to be ok?" I was helpless and alone. They never let Brian in. And eventually the man that I had been waiting for over an hour came in and looked me in the eyes...then I drifted away.

I found out afterwards, that they had Brian dress up in the protective gown, and he was almost on his way in when the maylay began. Not sure what they told him, I hate talking about it, but he undressed and waited not knowing what was going on inside the OR. He says he saw me when I was in the room and gave me an encouraging thumbs up, but I didn't see him at all. They took it all away from me. My perfect birth. Brian being a part of it. I wasn’t even awake. I didn't hear my daughter’s first cries. I didn't get to hold her in her messy goo. Brian didn’t get to cut the cord. It's something that I'm not sure I will ever get over. It hurts too much. I don't remember much. Brian and my mother were with me when I woke up. He tells me that I woke up still saying "NO NO NO" Just hearing that makes my hair stand on end. I see pictures of me holding my daughter in recovery, and it's not real to me. I don't remember it. Emotionally I'm broken from the experience. I don't even look at my scar or talk about her birth. It's all just too painful.

Read about my pregnancy here


My daughters name...

Brian - after her father, meaning high/noble
Lily - Harry Potter's mothers name and also one of my favorite flowers, meaning pure/innocence/beauty

Brianlily was born weighing 7lbs, 6oz, and is the most perfect gift from heaven. She's the light of my life and the reason for living life itself.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


I think I have the opposite of postpartum...I'm the one with serious separation anxiety!

These Feet...

They belong to my perfect, spectacular, delicious, ball of light...Brianlily.

I can't imagine these feet growing old and callused like mine. Where does the time go? Why does it have to go so fast?! It makes me so sad.



I think I have Rosacea! This shit itches like hell! Whatever it is it started during my pregnancy and has just continued to get worse. I swear it's stress induced. Can't wait for my Dr's appt!