Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Feel like sharing II...

My pregnancy nightmare.

I shared my horrible birth story, and I wanted to share what was labeled a "threatened miscarriage" when I was in my first trimester.

Brian and I had decided to take a road trip when I was just about to be 3 months pregnant. We were headed to Niagara Falls. It was the our first time to the falls, and were pretty excited to be getting away. It was a pretty long drive, more than 7 hours. It was hard because I had such bad morning sickness, so we had to stop a bunch for me to eat and pee. But we made it, and it was still daytime so we dropped off our bags at the hotel and headed out to check out the falls. There was a walkway along the Niagara River that lead to the falls, so we followed that for a few minutes taking pictures, and I thought I felt pee soak my pants. I was shocked, but thought it was just because of my pregnancy. I quickly pulled my pants away from the stomach and saw blood. It wasn't spotting, it was all out blood. I freaked and told Brian we had to get back to the hotel. I was trying to stay calm, but inside I was a hysterical mess. I just thought back to when I was 18 and suffered a miscarriage but was too young and stupid to see a doctor so it was never diagnosed. There is no other way to explain what happened when I was 18, and with that knowledge I feared my new pregnancy could be at risk too. I called my midwife back in NYC and she told me to just head to the nearest hospital and get back to her as soon as possible. We went back to the hotel where I cleaned up and changed, then headed to the hospital, but first I needed to put something in my stomach. It sounds insane to worry about something like that at such a scary time, but my morning sickness was so bad that I would have passed out and vomited violently. Brian hated me for making him stop for food. Just more added stress to the already insanely scary first night at Niagara Falls. Once we were at the hospital Brian armed himself with his iPhone, checked the internet for possible causes for my bleeding...other than the obvious. All I could think would be the cause was we had sex a few days before for the first time during the pregnancy. I had read that there could be spotting or bleeding, so I just prayed that was the reason. Once a bed opened up for me we waited to have an ultrasound taken. Apparently they had to call the technician at her home where she was fast asleep. By this time it must have been midnight or so. I was already seen by a doctor. She asked me if I had just done lots of walking and I told her I had done the opposite...lots of sitting. She didn't see a connection between the sitting or even the sex, and really couldn't do much until the ultrasound was taken. We waited hours for this tech to get to the hospital. I think she may have went back to sleep, and ended up arguing with the staff, then ended up coming in anyway. Insane. She wasn't nice at all, and didn't even let Brian watch the monitor while she worked. All that mattered was what I saw on that screen...my baby floating around safe and sound! Exhale... She said it seemed ok, but the doctor would have to go over the results. After some more waiting we were told everything was fine. I had to stay in bed for a few days and the only way medically to diagnose the ordeal was calling it a "threatened miscarriage" She told me something that I will never forget...once a miscarriage begins, there is no stopping it. So rest was crucial. I spent the rest of our trip trapped in our hotel room, bleeding heavily, and terrified of a miscarriage. Our last day in Niagara my bleeding slowed and I decided to see the falls. It was bitter sweet. The falls were amazing, but the only thing on my mind was my child.
For weeks after the bleeding began I had spotting. My midwife and doctors back home did lots of testing and ultrasounds to make sure everything continued to be ok. And every time I could see my beautiful little baby floating in my tummy. They could only tell me I had a hematoma and the most likely cause was the loss of a twin. I couldn't then, and cannot now accept that I had twins or lost one. It's too painful to believe. Brian believes it. He had told me during our first sonogram at 8 weeks that he saw two, but I couldn't see it. So in the end, he could have been right, we could have had twins and lost one. It really doesn't matter now. The love of my life was born healthy, and couldn't be any more perfect. My star sent from the heavens!

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